Episode 052: Identities and Taking the Win
David and Isabelle name that a big part of any behavior change is a change in how you identify; to go from “I’m a damaged person full of failure” to “I’m a person who’s needs have not been met by the world and I’m doing my best and what can I do?” Furthermore, it is vulnerable and anxiety-producing to be neurodivergent and to live with failure on the regular. How to take the wins while honoring the hurt and healing the hits to our sense of self.
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We don’t exactly always know when to ask for help; Isabelle asked for help and asked for an icepack after injuring herself, which was a big deal. Isabelle names that some people are lone wolves when sick (arr! Stay away) whereas some people are teddy bears that want cuddles and care. Isabelle is more of a lone wolf. One of the last parts of habit formation is changing how you identify. Like quitting smoking: if you live thinking you're a smoker, then every time you don’t smoke, you’re constantly denying yourself, rather than thinking of yourself as a former smoker (and look at me go!)—enforcing a positive thing about yourself rather than resisting a temptation over and over again. With ADHD, thinking about how she is hacking her brain and doing is easier than taking. David is taking it in like a raccoon on light speed, “big eyes, lotsa lights!” This piece around identity is big. This is around self-esteem—“I’m a damaged person full of failure” v. “I’m a person who has never been seen correctly, and my needs have not been met by the world and what can I do?”—instead of trying to fix what’s broken, trying to get curious. Everyone of us is in this battle, too: changing your perception of what it’s like to be neurodivergent in this world. We have to shift our identity—for example, I’m not ever going to pair another sock in my life, or I’m going to make a game of pairing socks. Either way you go, you can be that person. No one has time for laces, or multiple trips for groceries. Now for a tangent, going back to the raccoon traveling light speed But what about if you’re going light speed, do you not hear the screaming and the farting until you stop? And the sonic boom is the displaced air from moving so fast? If you’re in space, does sound move the same way? Big questions. Isabelle describes Brian Cox and how her and Bobby went to go see a lecture by him for their anniversary, it’s a moment where they understand it, and then you see him drawing multiverses and you sorta get it and then you totally don’t. We were talking about awesome people, and podcasts, and one of the things David is thinking about lately is anxiety. We’re supposed to feel it, it’s a part of life. But anxiety stops us from getting answers. Fear is what happens once we see the answer and face it. Resiliency is what happens when you face your fears. These things are all difficult things: changing your identity is hard. It’s not about running from your anxiety, it’s about finding a safe group of people to experience it with. You don’t have to do it alone. It’s doing things together that makes doing the podcast really special. This is scary stuff that we’re doing on the podcast. At any point in time, we can make mistakes and make them last forever, there’s anxiety in that, but David doesn’t feel it with Isabelle—they are accommodations for that with each other. It’s not that we don’t do it alone, we do it together. And Isabelle names this recurring joke about “why are there no Bigfoot bones, because other Bigfoot eat them!” Fear is intended to mobilize, it’s intended to help you focus and do the thing. Isabelle thinks of anxiety, related to trauma, survival and conditioned experiences around things she learned are not safe, but may be safe (but may perceive as unsafe). It’s impossible to feel fear if you’re also curious, like even if in the midst of fear or anxiety, you can cultivate a little curiosity, it gives you a little room to work with. When someone is with you, it’s that you co-regulate with someone, they validate and affirm that you’re safe and okay, and are able to say, you’re getting these little blips that can burst through that conditioning that can signal to you “you’re safe enough” someone is here to tell you “you got this, you’re good!” But it’s not just about taking what you perceive v. What is real—it’s not just that it’s real that the world is neurodivergent friendly, but it’s also true that when you don’t have people you can connect with and get that reinforcement from (those near peer mentors!) You are accurately actually vulnerable (like Isabelle feels vulnerable when she interrupts people or tangents), she spends so much energy masking. It takes a lot of courage to own you’re anxiety or fear or your resiliency, or to have a concept of “that’s what’s happening to me.” Don’t know if we give ourselves enough credit. Because she can’t not pay attention to things, she can’t not pay attention to her feelings either. On the one side, she’s sensitive, emotional, etc. she’s also hyperaware of herself. The fear and subtle bits of oppression to neordivergence—it’s a rough go. When you’re able to know it’s not your fault. Imagine profusely sweating and feeling gross but no one else is sweating—it’s dysregulating. But if everyone is sweating, you feel better. But we don’t do a lot in America to normalize neurodivergence, and neurodivergent folx sometimes get pity “let me make it easier,” but we don’t need easier, you need more different. We encounter more failure before breakfast, you actually don’t get to skip that and it’s a fun saying, but it’s actually quite painful. How little we think of learning differently—think about how we know there are fonts that would help everyone read, every single person without dyslexia could read it, too—but we don’t do that. Some people with ADHD need breaks, some don’t—but we don’t plan a world where you can choose, either you’re supposed to work it or take breaks (one or the other). When we can go to habits, rituals, chunking, outsourcing things, decision fatigue reduction, whatever you can do to make it easier, do it, take the win.
What is a sonic boom? A sonic boom is a sound associated with shock waves created when an object travels through the air faster than the speed of sound (see Wikipedia)
How does sound move through space? It doesn't. "You cannot hear any sounds in near-empty regions of space. Sound travels through the vibration of atoms and molecules in a medium (such as air or water). In space, where there is no air, sound has no way to travel." (see: CalTech Cool Cosmos site)
Brian Cox (the physicist, not the Succession actor)
DAVID’S DEFINITIONS
Chunking: taking two unlike or like items and smashing them together. We all do it a ton in wake up and go to bed routines—all those things get chunked together into one thing “night time routine” (eg. Brushing teeth, putting on pjs, getting into bed, etc.)
Self esteem: is a global term that has to do with how you feel about yourself, your own sense of self-worth. One thing to consider is that with ADHD, self-esteem can be believing you're going to survive an experience: that the moment of discomfort you're experiencing will be worth it it in the future. This is hard to do when your sense of time can be two modes (now or not now). When everything feels like NOW, it's hard to believe in a later or a change or in growth. And when you believe you can do something, it dramatically increases the odds that you will actually do that thing. Self-esteem is believing that you can survive, you can do the thing, and you don't have to convince yourself of that all over again every time.
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Cover Art by: Sol Vázquez
Technical Support by: Bobby Richards